365 days.

this past week has been different.

A time constraint was put on my friendships this week. Eddie has given me a date as to when he’s leaving and I feel so conflicted right now.

Thursday: We acted more like a couple than ever. We sat with one another, his arm over me, holding hands at one point, and just comfortable with one another.

Friday: I sat with him at the basketball game and we were so content with being the way we were that everything was alright. I didn’t see him much for the rest of that day until after school. I was already ticked from that whole day, but being with him after school saddened me. He was acting so different towards me, even if he was drinking and whatnot. I felt so bad for what I was doing to his mind, but he didn’t say a thing to me and I wish so much he did.

Saturday: I was hoping things would be better than Friday, but it didn’t end up being the same thing. Things were ok before and during prom, but once the middle hit, I was so upset and saddened by his actions, I couldn’t do it. I just hurt.

I don’t know what we are anymore, but I know that I love him and it’s not going to end well for either of us. I’m not sure what it is that he feels for me, but I do know that he doesn’t know what to do about it. I just want us to be together and stop all of this skating on thin ice, but there’s three weeks left and I just want him to be happy.

And just like that, everything I believed in was a complete lie.

and the story’s all over. in the morning, i’ll call you.

Have you ever loved someone to the point that all you want to do is just see that person be happy? No matter what the circumstances are. Whether they spend their remaining time here with you or with someone else, you want to know that things are going well. I think that’s what loving someone really means. In the depths of your mind, you wish with all your might that this particular person just belonged to you, but somewhere along the line, that wasn’t able to happen. It hurts, but you remember what’s important in all of this.

Loving someone is complex. You feel different emotions each and every day. You feel emotions that you used pride yourself on never have experienced. Jealousy, anger, frustration, happiness, elation. All of it. Every glance they give someone else shatters your heart a little bit more each time. Every thought that crosses your mind wants to hope for the best, but you know that in this lifetime, these two people were never meant to be together.

Yet, you still find yourself hoping for the best. Why? Mainly, I think it’s because you want to feel something and discover whether your existence is truly significant somehow, especially to this person. You want to know that you’re not the problem, that you could possibly be the solution. Love makes you do crazy things. Being in love with someone is exhausting, but fight it. Fighting is your only chance of surviving. So, fight with all that you have and if that isn’t enough, then at least you know that it was worth fighting for. 

Giving up is cowardly. Don’t do that. It’s a slap in your own face. Not trying is even worse. Not giving yourself the opportunity to even attempt something ruins everything. It is the act of telling yourself, “what’s the point? I already know that I can’t, so why should I even bother?” You would bother because sometimes, you have good endings. Because maybe, just this once, you finally win at something. People just want someone there to tell them to try anyway. That’s what I want. As a matter of fact, that’s what I have. I have that someone like that. I just decided to give up. The fight is worth it. It’s the possibility of the bad outcomes just steer me in the opposite direction.

Don’t be like me.

and days go by.

He makes an effort to talk to me each day and it’s so wonderfully adorable, I cannot stand it. I love him so much. Please don’t leave me. I won’t be able to handle it. I’m not ready.